He refreshes my soul

He Refreshes My Soul

This picture, taken during a mission trip to Jamaica last January, speaks a thousand words. It was a raw moment where all my emotions were stirred up. When I saw all the precious deaf children at the school I visited, I saw myself in them. I needed that hug just as much as that little boy did. My soul longed to be refreshed. I wanted a forgiving, surrendered heart. And this trip was one I desperately needed, although I didn’t realize it until I came back. I came home with a refreshed, surrendered soul.

I was born deaf to a hearing family where sign language wasn’t used throughout my life. My parents, siblings, and other family members didn’t and don’t sign. Even though I have a brother who is also deaf, it was still a very lonely upbringing. On top of that, I dealt with childhood sexual abuse, anger, father-figure absence, my mother’s long-time alcoholic boyfriend, among other things — and I had no relationship with my Lord and Savior. Growing up, my brother and I were always left out of conversations, and never understood why everyone would laugh or exclaim at something during conversations. Even today, unfortunately, there’s not a real, deep connection with my family or friends.

I also married hearing men who didn’t sign. While there was love, it was a bit disconcerting to see my husband’s vows shared through a sign language interpreter rather than directly. Many of my friends didn’t sign and often would talk (literally and figuratively) behind my back, and I had very limited access to anything — television, movies, sports, dance, clubs, church events, even family vacations. Unfortunately, this is very common among the 90-95% of deaf people born into hearing families even today; it even has a name: “Dinner Table Syndrome.” (https://shorturl.at/bghST)

As a result, for so long, I struggled without a deep sense of connection with anyone who didn’t sign. I quickly mastered the fake laugh/smile and fake-nodding to show understanding to avoid displeasing anyone. Like most other deaf people in similar situations, I was hurting. I longed to connect with people and show my true self. Even if I could lipread and speak (but not hear), that wasn’t meeting halfway; it was me accommodating the world around me.

I used to be so ashamed that I was deaf. Growing up, I didn’t know I had a voice of my own. I only did everything I was told to do.

Today, I know I have a strong and happy voice. I have limited my attendance at most family gatherings, or any events and my family and friends wonder why I don’t attend these gatherings anymore. While I love my family and friends dearly, and I know they love me, I have to fake that all is well, nod as if I find some things funny, and pretend they know who I am. That’s not who I am today. I can’t fake being present.

Whether it’s through my hands, mouth, or soul, I have a voice. That hug from that little deaf boy, brought up a lot of raw, painful memories. Memories I didn’t know I needed to embrace until that day.  In the midst of that precious hug, God spoke to me: “It’s time to surrender your all to me. Let go of your anger. Let go of your bitterness. It’s time to forgive.” Tears were coming down my cheeks, I knew what I needed to do.

Shortly after that hug, I went for a walk in the school yard and encountered a girl who had come to the school at 17 years old. Her family was ashamed of her being deaf — in many cultures around the world, this shame is a way of life. As we talked, I saw myself in her.

He refreshes my soul. – Psalms 23:3

The next morning, I got up early to catch the Jamaican sunrise. As I sat on the patio drinking Jamaican coffee and reading my Bible, I was filled with the holy spirit and I was led to this verse. Goosebumps crept all over me, tears flowing down my cheeks, I suddenly saw how everything made sense and I smiled. A smile I had not done in a very long time. I knew I had been brought to Jamaica to allow God to use me to help others like me.

And that’s the story of how Psalms 23 Jennifer Kalina Ministries World Missions was founded.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 
He makes me lie down in green pastures, 
He leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. 
He guides me along the right paths for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the lord forever. — Psalms 23: 1-6

I’ve walked through so many dark valleys only to be brought to light with His help. Today, at 51 years old, I have no shame in who I am. I am deaf. I am a mother. I am the daughter of my Lord Savior. I am a soul. I have established healthy boundaries so that I am never ashamed or made to feel uncomfortable again. If anyone is willing to meet me halfway, I’m all in. But I can’t be doing all the work. Rather, I turn my cheek and remove myself from the situation. I am no longer willing to live with frustration or bitterness for the second half of my life.

My dear friend, allow God to refresh your soul. Surrender your all to Him and let Him pull you out of your darkness and into His light.

God is Light; in him there is no darkness at all. – 1 John: 5

A shattered, wounded soul is not healthy. A refreshed, peaceful soul is what we all need mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically — and it helps refresh other souls.

Refresh your soul today.