Healthy Boundaries and Saying Goodbye
These last few months have been really challenging for me — or I should say, the last few years have been really distressing. I had this uneasy emotional feeling for a very long time. I knew something wasn’t right, but what? What was I struggling with? Every time my children and I left a family gathering, I was always left feeling distraught. I never felt I could be my true authentic self because I had mastered the fake smile, the fake laugh, and the standard “I’m fine” response. For so many years, I always wore a mask, which I hated — I am not a two-faced person. I am Jennifer, with one face and one soul.
The more uneasy I became, the more I dug into the Bible looking for answers. I knew it was about some of the people I grew up with, but I struggled with what to do. What was best for my children and for myself? I knew a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship wasn’t good for my kids, yet I wanted them to have a relationship with some of their relatives.
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. – Psalm 46:1
I finally asked God for His help. It is He who has all the answers.
Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. – Matthew 7:7
After many weeks and months, it finally hit me one morning. God gave me the answer I needed through my daughter, who said: “Mom, we only went to these family gathering because it was what you wanted.”
No, it wasn’t what I wanted. I thought I was doing it for my children. We didn’t communicate with each other regarding these family events, and that was such a revelation.
I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional and unhealthy household. The cycle of anger, name-calling, yelling, bad-mouthing each other, and constantly pretending — it was exhausting. As I have shared in my testimonies, I was sexually abused as a child by several family members. Growing up deaf without access to sign language within my household really affected me, especially after the abuse.
The day I was sexually abused for the first time was when I knew something was wrong with my family. The second time it happened, I told someone, but nothing happened. The third and fourth and fifth times, I again told someone and still nothing happened. Every time, I was violated, my heart grew darker and darker. I drowned out who was hurting me and closed my eyes. I took out my hearing aids so I wouldn’t hear anything. The walls around my heart were already so thick by the time I was 12 years old. I let no one in, especially the One I needed the most: God. I had zero understanding of what a healthy boundary or love was because of the abuse I endured for so many years.
When my children were younger, I knew I needed to cut off all ties with some of my family members to protect them. Their well-being, and my desire to break the cycle of a dysfunctional, unhealthy relationship, were crucial to raising my children. The pain of not celebrating holidays with my family and being a single mom was very difficult. But as the years went by, it got easier and I knew I was doing the right thing.
When I became a born-again Christian a few years ago, one of the things I had to do was to forgive specific people. It was also something I needed to do because it was one of the commandments and part of obedience to my Lord and Savior. I needed to do it for Him, for my kids, and for myself. Once I forgave, family gatherings were back in the picture. . . and I was back to putting on a fake smile. It was back to being left out. I then noticed how more often my kids and I were being pulled into unhealthy drama.
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. – Proverbs 4:23
People with healthy boundaries can develop a distinct, separate identity and not be overly dependent on others to nurture personal and spiritual growth. Godly boundaries stem from an understanding of who we are and a refusal to be defined as anything less. God’s boundaries in the Bible are created with the intent to draw others in and build healthy relationships, not tear them down or punish them.
How do you know if you have established healthy boundaries?
- You value your own time, energy, and God’s obedience.
- You’re comfortable saying no.
- You speak up when you’re treated poorly.
- You’re good at healthy decision-making.
- You end toxic relationships.
I have learned the hard way that it’s okay to remove myself from unhealthy situations, especially some of my family. The pain of saying goodbye to them was hard, but it had to be done so I could break the cycle. My children are influenced more by my actions than the advice I give them — which includes establishing healthy boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries is also key in our obedience to our Lord and Savior and for our mental well-being.
For we walk by faith, not by sight. – 1 Corinthians 5:7
I continue to move forward in the things God has called me to, even when I can’t see a happy ending. Believe God for good, even when everything around you seem to be evil. Trust God so much that you obey and step out of your comfort zone to do what He asks, even when you aren’t sure what the outcome will be.
Undoubtedly, walking by faith isn’t an easy option. But know this: your God will abundantly bless you, provide for you and lead you as you place your trust in Him. I had to say goodbye even as much as it hurt, but in doing so, I gained the best of who I am in His eyes and for my children.
But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander and filthy language from your lips. — Colossians 3:8
Saying good-bye to an unhealthy relationship is the best thing you can do. Trust in Him to lead you the way to redemption.
Jennifer Kalina 