Forgiveness of Yourself

Trigger Warning: Abortion. Please reach out to me if you need someone to pray for you.

Forgiveness of Yourself

My last blog was about forgiveness of others.  Now I will talk about forgiving yourself — a critical part of your healing journey that has to happen if you want authentic peace. It’s also a huge part of obedience to our heavenly Father.

“If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you.”  – Matthew 6:14

Part of the healing process is forgiveness for others as well as for yourself.  I desperately wanted God to forgive me but for Him to do that, I needed to forgive others.

For the longest time, I was ashamed by so many things. What I did when I was 18, what I endured growing up, my thoughts, and others. I’m sharing my story not because I want to, but because I promised you authenticity about how I got closer to my Lord Savior, and that’s what you’ll get from me no matter what. The stories we tell brings us closer to Him. The pain and the suffering we experience, God brings it to His Glory. So, here goes.

Much of my suffering has revolved around my body. When I was 18, I left home for college. I broke up with my high school sweetheart. He was one of the kindest, sweetest souls I ever knew, and was always so good to me. But I wanted to “experience life” and didn’t want to be tied down. Soon after, I met a guy through some friends and after a few dates, I got pregnant.

I was so lost. I didn’t have a relationship with God and because of that, I confided to my college advisor. She said the best thing I could do was to get an abortion. December of 1990, a few days before Christmas,  I went to the nearest clinic, probably the scariest place I had ever been in.  I put my gown on, and the nurse and doctor came in. They told me that as my baby was being aborted, I needed to look up at the ceiling and keep my eyes open. I kept thinking, “I don’t want to look up at the ceiling. I want to keep my eyes closed.” But the nurse kept nudging me, saying, “Keep your eyes open, look up at the ceiling.”

I finally looked up, and realized it was a picture (I don’t remember what of), but I could see the reflection of everything.  I saw the doctor taking the embryo, my baby, out of me and putting it in a metal tin bowl before they took the bowl away.  Both the doctor and the nurse looked at me like I was a murderer. I broke down and cried in utter remorse. 

This regret is something I carry with me to this day.

For a couple of years after that, I met with a counselor at Catholic Charites. She was one of the best counselors I have ever had. She told me I needed to forgive myself for what I did and to ask God to forgive me. She also told me to name my baby instead of calling it, “it.” I named my baby Confier Lyn. She would have turned 32 this year; I celebrate her birthday every year and every year, I ask her for her forgiveness. 

After some time, thinking I was okay, I confided in with someone I trusted about my experience. His response was simply: “You’re a baby killer.”  That started the process all over again, and I was back at square one with my unforgiven soul for a very long time. I decided I wouldn’t have children because I thought God was punishing me. He loves children, and I had killed one of his babies.

When I told my husband, I didn’t want to have children, he was accepting. After five years, we thought we might want to try and see if it happened. If it didn’t, it wasn’t to be. I had two miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy, and I knew this was His punishment for me. That was it — I wouldn’t have any more children.

He is not mad at me, and He is not mad at you. God is for us, not against us. – Romans 8:31.

But God wasn’t finished with me. He gave me Emma, and then Benjamin — the most precious gifts God has ever blessed me with. I knew that God had forgiven me, which meant I needed to forgive myself as well.

It took me over 30 years to forgive. I had that deep hatred and bitterness for others as well as for myself.  It took a toll on me physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I went through two marriages and two divorces without peace.  But finally — finally — I found it in me to forgive others, and more importantly, to forgive myself.

and He loves us with an everlasting love. – Jeremiah 31:3.

In Exodus 24, It took 40 years for the Israelites to get to the promised land because of their attitude and self-made setbacks. Similarly, it took me more than 30 years to get to my promised land of peace because I chose to not forgive. I am now 51 years old. I spent the first half of my life in misery.  For the second half of my life, I want to live in the promised land of peace God offers.

He has good plans for our lives. – Jeremiah 29:11

Forgiveness is an astounding feeling, one I wish I knew to do a long time ago.  Today, I have peace. I have forgiveness. I have joy. I have abundant love and most importantly I have His grace. Forgiveness is probably one of the hardest things you will ever do — and it’s the one thing I truly hope you do before you are called Home. Living with this bitterness for the rest of your life just isn’t what you want to do.

My dear friend, whatever it is you are burying deep inside of your heart, whatever bitterness or shame you are carrying, surrender it over to God. 

Forgive.